Children by Adoption and Grace

 By Adoption and Grace

     A Work in Progress

 I.  Adding to the Family

 Rome and Assisi were on the itinerary.  My husband John and I had begun planning how we would celebrate our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary taking place the following year.  An anniversary journey seemed like a fitting way to mark the occasion.   It was to be, as all of our best travels have been, a pilgrimage.

 In undertaking this pilgrimage, our hope was to meet God not only at the end point of our travels but in the journey as well.  We desired this celebration journey to give thanks to Him for the twenty-five years we had shared as husband and wife, and also to seek direction for the future ahead.  As it turned out, we did undertake a pilgrimage, but it became one of a very different order.

 We were led to the country of Ukraine instead of the Eternal  City.  Instead of focusing on our life as a twosome, we were led to expand our family by undertaking the adoption of a sibling group of three older children from that country.  To say this was a surprise would be an understatement.

 Since our return in October of 2004, it has been our sense that God desired not only to bless us with new family members, but also to show us his Church through the lens of international adoption.  This paper, then, is a brief reflection on families formed by international adoption as a metaphor for the Church.  May all that is written here be to the Glory of God and for the advancement of his Kingdom.

 The Church, like her Lord, is a mystery which defies thorough description.  Metaphor after metaphor is used to attempt to pin down the nature of that elusive creation known as the Church of Jesus Christ.  St. Paul speaks of the Church as the Body of Christ, the Bride of Christ, the Saints, and the Called out Ones.  Others have used terms like the Communion of the Faithful, the People of the New Covenant, A Kingdom of Priests, and the Family of God.  The descriptions possible really are numberless.  Frail words always fail when attempting to describe the indescribable, the ineffable, and the holy.  Yet, in early 21^st century America, it could be argued, the term used most frequently when speaking of the Church is that of the Church as a Family.

 That congregations frequently describe themselves this way is very natural.  The family is the most ancient and basic form of human organization. Terms like tribe, clan, and family all convey a sense of  recognizable patterns of  protection and nurture through relationships.  This, at its best, can offer stability and security to those who are the members of the family.  To the outsider, as well, the idea of family is helpful because it speaks to boundaries and expectations about behavior.

 There is a pitfall, however, in congregations latching on to one primary metaphor for being Church.  For, those things that are limiting about the particular metaphor come into play as well.  An area of Church life where this can be seen is in regard to evangelism and the incorporation of new members into a particular Church family.

 The Great Commission (Mt. 28:19-20)  is often seen as the raison d’etra of the Church.   Jesus’ departing commandment to his disciples was to go out into all the world and to make disciples.  If the metaphor of an early twenty-first century biological, nuclear family is the governing metaphor for Church, then some limitations come into view. 

One limitation is easily seen when one thinks about how biological families grow.  Growth comes from the birth of children and grandchildren.  Growth also comes from the addition of in-laws – persons marrying into a particular family.  Growth through the addition of children comes from the inside of the family.  One generation gives way to the next, each one passing on the essence of what it means to be a member of that particular family.  In the natural order of things, children become parents, while parents eventually return to child-like dependent state.  The power centers in the family pass from generation to generation.  Children learn the history, culture, and language of their particular families. Children are taught, “This is how things are done in our family”.   In-laws may be deeply loved, but generally do not find themselves in the very center of the power of the family. They are typically expected to conform to the culture of that family.  When they do not, significant conflict can occur.  In-laws may catch some of the insider humor, but never all of it.

 Growth in a biological family occurs slowly and is inwardly focused.  And yet, the command of Jesus Christ is to “Go out into all the world.”  Where the metaphor of the biological family is the governing metaphor for a congregation, there is little motivation to look beyond themselves for growth.   Newcomers are expected to conform to the culture of the family,  however idiosyncratic it may be, and like an in-law may never find themselves fully incorporated into that family.

 An alternative to the use of the biological family as a metaphor for Church  is that of a family formed by adoption.  More precisely,  a family formed by international adoption seems to be a metaphor that can bear the weight of  life as Church in the twenty-first century.

 One night over supper, a good while before we were married, John and I spoke about the possibility of adoption as a way to add to our family.  This was, of course, once we had one or two biological children.  We spoke of adopting a sibling group and then, like so many other dreams, we tucked the thoughts away.  A number of years later, it became apparent that we would not have biological children after all.  Childlessness laid heavily on us.  We invited other parts of our lives to come forward.  John focused on achieving security through successfully pursuing tenure and promotion in his  college teaching work .  I pursued the muses of writing and photography and, later, heard a call to ordained ministry in the Episcopal Church.  After seminary and ordination, the opportunity came to begin our family through the domestic adoption of a newborn little boy.  We were overjoyed and began efforts almost immediately to adopt a second child.  After four failed adoption attempts and seven years, we were blessed with the domestic  adoption of a newborn girl.   It had taken eighteen years, but we had our family and all was well.  Seven years later, I was listening to a talk given at our monthly Episcopal clergy gathering and the topic was international adoption.  One presenter remarked, almost in an off-hand way, that the children of Eastern Europe “age-out” of the government-run orphanages at the ripe old age of sixteen.  “Only one third of them,” she said, in a matter of fact tone, “will still be alive five years later.”  She went on, “The girls get taken up into the slave trade, prostitution, and drugs – many of them die from AIDS – and the boys get involved in organized crimes and drugs.  There is just not much of a future for them.”  In that moment, I began to hear a call and heard it to be urgent.  That calling was prayed over, confirmed, and made real.  Almost a year later to the day, John and I began our pilgrimage to Ukraine and our new family members.

 What can motivate Christians to respond to the Great Commission with a sense of urgency?  Our Church proclaimed  that the 1990’s would be Decade of Evangelism.  In  some parts of the Anglican Communion,  the emphasis on proclaiming the Gospel of Jesus Christ took root and blossomed.  In the West, the decade largely was a decade of talking about evangelism.  With a few exceptions, there simply was not much motivation.  One humorously barbed saying made the rounds, “Why should we try to get new members?  The people who should belong to our church are already here!”  What motivation can move  inwardly focused and immovable hearts? 

 Obedience to the command of Jesus to “Go out and make disciples,” has often been considered to be a primary motivator for the mission of the Church.  Obedience alone, though not always, i.e. Jonah,  often begets lukewarm evangelism and lukewarm disciples.  Passionate proclaimers , motivated by God’s compassion for those who do not know Him,  tend to beget a different type of spiritual children.  These conversions lead to transformed lives in which the power of God in Christ is seen at work in extraordinary ways. Effective evangelism which combines the power of the Holy Spirit, speaking through the Scriptures, and which is also driven by fiery compassion is usually an irresistible force.  And yet, given the insular and over-programmed lives of today’s nuclear families, who has time for compassion?  So many struggle under the weight of indebtedness, long work hours, and insufficient time for rest or recreation.  Seeking insulation from the crime in their own cities, they watch televised news of  tsunamis and wars fought in distant quarters.  How many congregations live in this way?  “We want to create a safe space for our children,” they say, silently adding, “and for ourselves.”  Fearful families create fortresses, and so do fearful church families. 

 What if something goes wrong?  We asked each other this question in a hundred different forms.  What if the children we adopt have terrible problems? Will we become impoverished by the needs of one of our children?  Will we be able to communicate with them? Will our other children be able to form bonds with them?  Will we truly be able to become one family?  Are we about to make a terrible mistake?  We were fearful as we contemplated the pilgrimage before us. 

 To say that some Church families are ambivalent toward adding new members would be an understatement.  For smaller churches, emphasis on Church growth often is more about survival – get those new members, so we can get those new pledges!- than fulfilling the Great Commission.   Fear of change, fear of disturbing power and control arrangements long in place, and fear of an unknown future may coalesce to create Church families which are, in fact, resistant to the addition of new members.  The unfortunate person who does find their way to a Church of this sort may eventually win “true” membership by perseverance, but, like an in-law, most never find themselves truly “belonging” to that particular family. 

 Too, many mainline denominations are better equipped to handle new members who have background in their particular denomination, or those who have been churched elsewhere and are transferring their membership.  Most mainline denominations are simply not equipped or motivated to receive new members from the ranks of the completely unchurched.  Helping converts learn the new language and culture of Christianity takes time and skill.  Integrating them into a Church family requires the development of attachments and bonds within the family.  Many Churches do not have the willingness or skill required to assist a new Christian in truly becoming a disciple. 

 The tasks required in the development of a new convert into a Christian of some maturity, are very much akin to those required to help an international adoptee become a  thorough member of his or her new family.  The new family speaks a different language and has a particular way of being family.  The new family member must go through a period of adjustment and learning in order to find his or place within the family.  Bonds of attachment must be formed between the family members in order for the adjustment to be successful.  The international adoptee cannot expect the cultural norms operative in their country of origin to be the norms of their new family and country.  A whole new way of being must be learned.

 This brings into focus more clearly the dilemma faced by mainline denominations having to do with the waning of Christendom in the West.  For many Christians, particularly in the USA,  an overlap between the values of  Christianity and the  values  of  everyday life beyond the doors of the Church was normative. For example.  I still recall my  public school first grade teacher, Mrs. Callie Coleman who diligently inquired of us each Monday morning whether or not we had been to Sunday School.  This was in South Carolina during the 1950's.  Although she responded sensitively to my few Jewish classmates, woe to the rest of us if we were  percieived to be malingerers with regard to Church.  Mrs. Coleman expected that we would attend regularly and communicated that expectation with genuine clarity.

 However, with the increase of secularism, a scenario of this kind is no longer a part of public education.  The tectonic plates of  Christianity, on one hand, and that of Culture on the other, are moving apart.   Unfortunately, many longtime Christians, still comfortable in the world of the mainline denomination , see little or no contradiction between cultural values and those of Christianity.  On the other hand, those Churches and denominations which seek to be formed by a biblical world view, see greater and greater contradiction.  To enter the world of the first type of Church requires little or no adjustment of  values and behavioral norms. 

For example, in many quarters of  US contemporary culture, gossip  is perfectly acceptable behavior. It may  even be normative in the first type of Church family.  In the second type, because gossip is seen as contrary to norms set out in the Holy Scripture for the behavior of disciples, it may be addressed  more vigorously. That a church family would concern itself with the issue of gossip or triangulation most likely comes as a surprise  to members.  For converts to become disciples who seek to obey all that Jesus taught and commanded, there must be deliberate preparation or formation, to use churchy language, by a Church family.  Preparation must include welcome, real incorporation into Church  family,  instruction, mentoring,  invitation and engagement  in ministry, as well as on-going support and accountability within the Church family with regard to particular  ministry.   

  As the time drew closer for our travel to Ukraine, we prepared our home.  Bunk beds were purchased and assembled for the girls’ room.  Our oldest son moved clothes, books, surfboard, and stereo gear to his new room.  We created  physical space for three new children.  We spoke of the new arrivals frequently, exploring with our two children what life might be like with five children in the family.  Grief made itself known as we contemplated expanding from our comfortable family of four to seven. The “old normal” was passing away, but the “new normal” was not yet a reality.  We entered into an in-between time which was both exciting and anxious.  The evening before we left, the four of us gathered for a small ceremony.  John and I told the story of how the two of us had met and married.  Then, we showed baby pictures of both children and talked about how our lives had changed each time a new member had been added.  We spoke about the challenges and joys of becoming a family.  We lit four candles and placed three unlit candles between them.  We would light them all when we returned.  As the evening drew to a close, we felt hopeful, excited and, still, quite anxious.

  We were, in fact, fearful.  Yet, the strength of the call kept us moving forward through research, complex paperwork, draining travel, and anxiety-filled legal proceedings. We fretted - would the judge waive the thirty day waiting period? Would we be able to bring our three new children home, or would we have to make another trip? Eighteen days later, our adoption process was complete, and  we were on our way home with our new family members. Stepping off of the airplane, we  practically sleep-walked down the corridor.  Home.  It was midnight, yet,  family and friends  had gathered to greet us.  “This is the day.  This is the day that the Lord has made.  We will rejoice. We will rejoice and be glad in it,” they sang with great joy.  It was a glimpse of the Communion of Saints in action. Our new children met their new brothers and sister.  We felt the love of those present.  For our new children, it was disorienting, and they clung to us.  We went home.  Our new children entered a place they had seen only in photographs.  The next morning would bring much a new and challenging  work, but, for now, we rested.

 Other topics I hope to explore in the future:  

Adoption in Holy Scripture: Adoption gone well and awry:  OT – Abram/Lot,  Sarah and Ishmael, Mordecai and Esther, Naomi and Ruth;  NT - Joseph and Jesus, theme in Paul.

  Adoptive Family as Metaphor for Church:  Formation of Bonds of Attachment in Parish Setting, particular with reference to relationship between Rector and Congregation;  Sorting out of power relationships between members; blending congregations seen as adoption rather than “merger”.

 Adoptive Family as Metaphor for the Church:  Consideration of relationship between Anglican Church in North America and Global South members of Anglican Communion – blended family of all adopted kids or some bio kids and adoptive kids.

 © Jennie C. Olbrych. 2005.  Must have the permission of the author to reproduce in any form.